The color red has been used as a warning sign since the caveman era. Burns are red, stop signs are red, and those cool little poisonous frogs in the Amazon jungle are red. It’s funny how we avoid red in all of those situations but run into some big AF red flags in romance and seem to stay anyway. Since every relationship is different, though, what are the red flags in a relationship? If you’re trying to avoid the painful danger of red in your romantic future, here are the ten red flags to look out for.
1. Blaming others for their mistakes.
This is the flag you can start to look for before you even get romantic with someone. Chances are if someone blames others for their mistakes, they’ll do so in all aspects of life, not just with their boyfriend or girlfriend. I’ve seen examples of this with guys or girls who don’t get their way, but instead of reflecting on what they could’ve done differently or what went wrong, it’s instantly a blame game party where they get angry and pouty at everyone except themselves. In a relationship, this would manifest as someone who cannot hold themselves accountable when they’re in the wrong. You could catch this person cheating on you in the act and they would somehow blame it on you because they are that adamant.
2. Different goals and belief systems.
It’s easy to get caught up in how great someone is at the beginning of a relationship and realize too late that you guys are on two different life paths. This is a pretty sad reality that happens more often than not. Two people could mesh really well but that doesn’t mean that they’re meant to be together. If you and your partner have different visions for your life in 5 to 10 years, this is going to snowball into a problem. As for red flags, the same goes for if you two have conflicting belief systems, be it your general perspectives about the world or religious beliefs. While there are some successful interfaith couples, most are bound to blow up sooner or later.
3. Lies – even the tiny ones.
Once you start catching your partner in lies, no matter how small, you have a big red flag in your midst. It may seem harmless at first or they will be prone to telling you that they didn’t tell the truth because they didn’t want to upset you, but both of these are excuses. If someone’s moral compass says they can lie about small things, eventually they will convince themselves that it’s also OK to lie about bigger things. I know a guy – thank goodness, not romantically – who was a pathological liar. He would lie about things that he did not need to lie about and, at first, this didn’t have much to do with his girlfriend, but eventually he started lying about bigger things in their relationship, like his job or even his relationship with another woman. My advice? If you hear them lie, say bye-bye.
4. Superficial conversations and interactions.
This isn’t a red flag you hear about much but it should be. If you’re dating someone and having a great time, pay attention to what you do together and what you talk about during those great times. Are the both of you just out partying and talking about trending topics or unimportant subjects of conversation? If you can pinpoint a superficial friendship in your life, I’d love to hear about it in the comments! The problem with these is that you’re never breaching subjects that make you vulnerable, go deep into your history or future, or spark debate. Try to access a deeper level with this person to give them a shot, but if that doesn’t work, then mark this as a red flag.
5. They don’t know how to fight fair.
When you date someone for long enough, you’re bound to get into a disagreement. Sadly enough, most of us don’t know how to disagree effectively. I’m not going to lie – it’s hard and takes some practice. Fighting now and again isn’t a red flag, but shutting down, blaming the other person, consistent interruptions, and manipulation during a fight are. If this person consistently brings up past hurts, switches your concern over to theirs, or ignores your concerns completely, they do not know how to effectively communicate, and this is central to any successful, long-term relationship. Once the fight has blown over, sit down with them and try to talk about your communication styles. If they’re mature, they will want to improve alongside you – remember that we could always improve; yes, you included.
6. Keeping you separate from their friends and family.
Have you been dating for a while yet still haven’t met their immediate family? Do they love to go out with their friends yet never invite you to tag along, even if their friends bring along their partners? Keeping you separate from their inner circle could point to someone who isn’t sure about their relationship with you. Or, on the darker side, they may be hiding a few things that you wouldn’t like to see. We all need alone time with our friends and family, but if you’re serious about someone, you’re going to integrate them into the social circle you already had set up.
7. Putting you down.
Putting your partner down is straight-up disrespectful and there’s no way around it. The thing is, most of us will fall into this negative behavior at least once in a while because we aren’t perfect, but there’s a difference between making a mistake, owning up to it, and trying to change, and repeating that same mistake over and over again. If your partner makes you feel inferior, less than others, or like you need to change the core of who you are, you should question why they are even with you and vice versa.
8. They’re unwilling to commit or compromise – even outside of the relationship.
We hear about commitment issues as an obvious red flag that’s apparent at the beginning of a relationship. There’s a more discrete red flag related to commitment issues that you can look for in how your partner behaves with other people and entities. Do they start a bunch of projects, passions, or hobbies only to leave them abandoned or halfway done? Do they bail on plans or commitments with friends and family just because they changed their mind? How about compromises? If you see your partner cut off friendships because they aren’t willing to walk a mile in the other person’s shoes, what makes you think that they aren’t going to repeat this type of behavior with you down the line? They may be committing to you or compromising on some things for now, but their natural behavior will eventually pour into their relationship behavior, so be warned.
9. Controlling behavior.
Controlling behavior could start small and escalate or it could remain small throughout the relationship. There’s also a fine line between acting protective and acting jealous. Red flags to look out for in this category would include your partner getting mad because you’re seeing lifelong friends, messaging you obsessively every time you’re not with them, getting mad because you have plans that don’t include them once in a while, telling you who you should and shouldn’t hang out with, and even trying to impact the way you dress or act.
Check out: 10 Signs you’re not meant to be in a relationship
10. Gaslighting.
Gaslighting has been happening for centuries but we only put a name to it recently, so it’s important to look out for. Basically, it’s when a person does or says something and then says that they didn’t, making you question your sanity. I have very direct experience with us, and gas lighters will literally die before they admit to gaslighting. This is a rabbit hole that can very quickly make you feel powerless, and even question yourself. Once you see it happening, I beg you to reevaluate that relationship altogether.
Conclusion:
You’ve met the 10 bright red warning signs of a bad relationship. I hope very few or none resonate with you, but if more do, I encourage you to reflect and think about whether this relationship is worth it. If you decide to break things off, we’ve also made a video about how to get over a breakup fast – and we hope it helps. No matter what you decide, stay true to yourself and stay strong. Stay vigilant out there, and everything will work itself out.