Relationships require constant effort, even if you are with your so-called soulmate! Apart from the intense level of trust, respect, and loyalty that we need to give for a healthy connection, we’ll always have to battle moments of selfishness where we want to do things for our benefit instead of for our relationship – it’s just how humans are programmed.
So, you’re dedicated – I can tell since you’re reading this post. You already have trust, love, respect, and all the other foundational items you need to get your relationship off the ground, but now you want it to reach new heights. Good for you! That’s why today we’re diving into the thing that will take your relationship to the next level – having regular check-ins with your significant other… but not just any check-in. Here are the eight components your check-in should have to truly make your relationship out of this world.
1. Establish what regular means and make sure you stick with it.
Regular check-ins can mean a lot of things, but a healthy rule of thumb would be to connect at least once per month – every two weeks or so would be even more ideal, especially if you are both busy during the week and don’t spend too much quality time together.
Now that you know how often you’ll be meeting, choose where the meeting will take place. Most couples will be fine meeting at one or the other’s home while some may want to meet at a restaurant or another public place – that’s totally up to you guys. Keep the location the same or switch it up every meeting; again, totally up to you. The important part isn’t where you meet or at what time but solidifying the details and sticking to them. That means showing up no matter what happened that week and giving it 100%. Sometimes life is crazy – granted – but if that’s the case just reschedule for another week or two out. Don’t let it pass by. This is foundational.
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2. Start with what you loved.
Ok, you’ve finalized your actual meeting. Now, what do you do during it? You’re supposed to be taking your relationship to the next level, so this isn’t going to be superficial “Aw baby I love you and everything is perfect” chit-chat. Nope, we’re getting real.
Step one is making a sandwich. No, not a real sandwich, although that sounds pretty nice for after this post. I’m talking about the therapeutic sandwich for productive yet difficult topics. You can’t just meet with your loved one and start spitting out all the things they need to change to improve your relationship. Instead, you sandwich the not-so-great convos in between positive, complimentary convos. That’s why the first step is stating what you’ve loved about your relationship since the last time you two checked in.
Maybe it was that one day your guy or gal texted you the sweet message out of nowhere or the date night you snuck in on your lunch hour last Tuesday. Whatever it is, make sure you mention both the action and your partner’s positive characteristics associated with the action. For example, “I loved the affection and care that you gave me when you sent that message.” Or “When you put aside quality time for us even though our schedules are so packed, I feel prioritized and appreciate how you treat me.” Get detailed and gushy with it. This is the sweet part of the sandwich.
3. Talk about how you’ve progressed towards your goals – or not.
This step will be clearer after your first check-in when you establish mutual couple goals at the end of your so-called meeting. Once you have some mutual goals, which we’ll talk more about in the last step, you’ll be able to talk about any progress you’ve made towards them or not. You can also talk about your personal goals here because we are more than just boyfriends and girlfriends – we are individuals with unique, awesome goals! Try to find even a small step you took towards both individual and couple goals this week. Sometimes, you may not have much, but your partner could point out something productive you did. This provides both support and accountability.
4. Discuss any needs that haven’t been met.
Here’s the not-so-sweet part of your check-ins, but they may be the most important part of all. This is where you talk about what you didn’t love about your relationship since your last check-in, AKA what you hope can change. It may be easy to list off what ticked you off or made you sad, but it isn’t always easy to hear receptively.
Keep in mind your partner will also be listing areas they don’t feel supported. It’s easy to feel hurt or offended in these types of conversations, which is why your response is so important. When vocalizing your needs, use I-statements and keep things non-accusatory, but when listening, actually listen. This means not instantly looking for a pause in conversation to say, “BUT…” It means sitting with what your partner says and soaking it in. You’ll get your chance to respond in a step or two – for now, just listen.
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5. Intervene with gratitude.
This step is for either partner, but especially the one who just issued their informal complaints. Pause listing your unhappy talking points and shoot your partner a compliment. Of course, keep it related to your conversation, but this is a gentle reminder that you love them, aren’t attacking them, and still think they’re wonderful, even in the middle of the ups and downs.
For example, you can say, “Even though I felt like there was a disconnect when we argued last week, I appreciate how you still brought me dinner later that day. I know you care about me and that we love each other no matter what is going on on the outside.”
6. Allow space for questions and discussion.
I know you’re still dying to get your two cents in – we are naturally this way as humans – so here is your moment. Not just your moment to rebuttal, but your moment to prove you were listening. Validate what your partner said by saying something like, “It sounds like…” or “What I’m hearing is…” and then ask for clarification. If you have questions, now is the time. Only after this can you provide your side but, remember, it’s not about making excuses or shifting blame – it’s about acknowledging where you can improve and vice versa. We’re human, so no one is perfect.
7. Stay affectionate.
It’s not always easy to finish your check-in sandwich with more sweetness, especially if it hasn’t been a happy-go-lucky conversation or if there’s some lingering tension. That is almost bound to happen but remember why you’re there; you’re escalating your relationship to the next level, which means tackling any challenges along the way. So, to finish successfully, make sure to re-list what you love and appreciate about your partner to end on that much-needed sweet note.
8. Set expectations between now and the next check-in.
Finally, at the end of your check-ins, make sure you both know what you’re working on as a couple before the next check-in. If one partner requests more of a certain behavior, the listening partner should verbalize their understanding and intent to add that into the relationship before the next meeting. Clarify when the next meeting will be and thank each other for your time. It almost sounds like this behavior should be saved for the conference room, but think about it – why would you give more respect and gratitude to your boss than you would to your soulmate? It’s all about respect, and your relationship should be the main place this is given and received.
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Conclusion:
Completing regular check-ins takes planning and intent, but it truly is the thing that will take your relationship to the next level… so long as you both want that, of course. If you’ve ever had a check-in with your significant other, tell us about it in the comments! I would love to hear what went well for you with those. And, as always, thanks for watching.