Relationships are lovey-dovey, wonderful, and rainbow-colored, but they are also a heck of a lot of work. If you’ve managed to get someone to fall in love with you, you’ve now got to make sure that love grows healthily so that your relationship thrives, not dies. We may all think we’re the next hot potato in our relationship, but the truth is that we all have some habits and mannerisms that may negatively affect our chances at lifelong love – but we don’t all know it. Here are the 8 behaviors that will destroy your relationship, so watch out for them and nip them in the bud while you can.
1. The Four Horsemen.
Dr. John Gottman is like the Gordon Ramsay of the recipe for love. He is a lead researcher, psychologist, and professor who is known for his ability to predict – with high accuracy – whether a couple will divorce or stay together. His observations determined the Four Horsemen that will kill any relationship faster than you can say “adios.” These four behaviors are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Criticism and defensiveness speak for themselves. Contempt is a lack of respect, and stonewalling is when you refuse to answer a question or give evasive replies. The more a couple experiences these bad boys, the more likely they are to part ways sooner rather than later.
Check out: How to earn respect from people
2. Starting discussions harshly.
Another one of Gottman’s observations was that the way a discussion or argument started predicted its outcome. He found that 96% of the time, you could predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of an interaction – that’s a pretty high percentage rate! When you start a discussion being sarcastic, critical, or simply harsh, you’re pretty much setting yourself – and your relationship – up for failure.
Here’s a great example. I once dated a guy who was in a rut and was sitting home unemployed for three months. Inside, I was pretty livid and just didn’t understand why he wasn’t making moves in the professional world, but I knew better than to let those emotions loose. Instead, I sat him down and told him that I was worried about him and his mental health and that no guy would be fulfilled sitting at home when they had such a strong work ethic as he did. These words were also true, even if they didn’t directly reflect all of my feelings. He took it so positively and soon after applied for a job that he was hired for. If I instead told him, “Bro, why are you still home sitting on your butt after three months?” Well, you can guess how that would’ve gone.
3. When your actions don’t match your words.
You talk the talk but can you walk the walk? Viability is important, and your partner wants to make sure they can depend on you. If you say you love them, are you acting like it? Do you tell them they’re the only one for you, but then get flirty with others right in front of them? Do you say they’re you’re number one priority but make plans with your friends on the weekends before getting together with them? Make sure your mouth aligns with what you do, or you’ll be undependable and few of your relationships will get very far.
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4. Overstepping boundaries.
A boundary means your boyfriend or girlfriend has said no to something. Overstepping is when you just won’t let it go. Some lines are drawn in the sand and others are ten feet deep and made of concrete; don’t push too far. Relationships are all about comfort and security, and overstepping boundaries shows both a lack of respect and a lack of safety within that relationship. Has someone ever overstepped your boundaries? Share it with me in the comments if you can!
5. Publicizing each other’s flaws.
We all say things we eventually regret, but the more public our comments, the more difficult they will be to forgive. When we’re in a relationship, our partner’s opinion should be one of the most important to us, and that includes their opinion of us. Usually, this is done out of anger or bitterness. Your boyfriend or girlfriend has gotten on your nerves doing XYZ, so you complain about it to one of your friends. Or worse, you bring it up in a group setting that your partner is in! Not only is this embarrassing, but this shows everyone including your other half that you hold a negative opinion of them. It’s hurtful and not easily forgotten… or forgiven.
6. Keeping score.
Keeping score in a relationship means you keep bringing up past mistakes. “I flirted with her because you cheated last year! What did you expect me to do?” It’s tit for tat. You hurt me, I hurt you. Bada bing, bada boom. Wait, I don’t think that last one is right, but you get the picture. A healthy relationship is about growth, and that means having some disagreements but forgiving and growing from them. Keeping score ain’t a part of the picture. If you want to keep score, join an intramural sports team, not a relationship.
Check out: 10 Signs your friend doesn’t respect you
7. Evading confrontation.
Like I said, relationships have ups and downs, and during those downs, you aren’t always going to get along with your partner. The important part isn’t avoiding these negative interactions, but going through them the right way. If your significant other Taylor has been getting at your last nerve lately with their comments, you have three options. One is to say nothing. That will likely end up making you hate Taylor’s guts or exploding. The second is to bring it up harshly, ensuing the Four Horsemen. Finally, the third is to bring it up with I-statements and as softly as possible to enact discussion instead of butting heads.
8. Being controlling or being the martyr.
Finally, two sides to the last behavior coin will ruin a relationship. If you’re controlling, FYI, no one wants a controlling partner. That’s why we’re adults and not babies looking for a new mom or dad. The opposite, though, is just as bad, and that is the group of people who think sacrificing everything for their partner is the key to true love. These are martyrs, and they’re fooling themselves as much as the controlling partner is.
Conclusion:
Navigating love can sometimes feel like trying to salsa with two left feet, am I right? You’d be salsa-ing in the right direction, though, if you can at least say adios to the relationship-wreckers we talked about today. I have faith in you! As always, thanks for watching.