The grass is always greener on the other side, so is that person who you want or are you just trying to hop the fence into a new yard? Let’s clarify.
Boy meets girl or girl meets boy or person meets person. They’re cute and funny and all-around attractive. Nothing is wrong with them… except you can’t have them. Maybe they’re taken, over it, or just not interested for whatever reason, but you tried, and you were denied. And yet, here we are, still wanting to be with them so bad.
Putting space between you and those feelings is no easy task, but digging into the psychology behind our feelings is a great way to change those emotions altogether. Here’s how to stop wanting someone you can’t have in six steps.
1. Understand the Scarcity Principle.
The Scarcity Principle is a psychological phenomenon where people place a higher value on something that is considered scarce AKA rare or hard to get. When someone is unattainable, they are hard to get – plain and simple. Scarcity implies exclusivity, making something appear of higher value than it truly is. Think back to global pandemic times and toilet paper. It was scarce and even though we all know how much toilet paper is worth, prices skyrocketed, and people went nuts for it due to the Scarcity Principle. It’s time to acknowledge that your crush is probably toilet paper, not gold, but you’re idealizing them simply because you can’t have them. And that brings us to the next point.
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2. Recognize your idealization.
Idealization is like creating a fantasy or a daydream about someone. You know when your best friend started dating that scrub but made him sound like the next prince of Persia? Yeah, that kind of fantasy. Since your crush is out of reach, you don’t get to see them how they really are day to day. Distance makes idealization easier; you can imagine them as being perfect because there are fewer real-life interactions to get in the way of this fantasy. If you’ve ever been in love before, you may be able to relate. In the beginning, we tend to ignore red flags and romanticize the smallest things. Then, once we really get to know this person by spending lots and lots of time with them, we start to get the ick about some of their behaviors. The problem with wanting someone you can’t have is that you don’t get to see them in all of the contexts of a boyfriend or girlfriend, so you don’t have the chance to discover all of their hidden icks. Take them off of the pedestal and start looking for the things that would bother you – as hard as that may be.
3. Make sure this person isn’t linked to your self-esteem.
Sometimes, wanting someone you can’t have is linked to your need for validation. When you get the attention of someone hard to get, it’s an instant dopamine and self-esteem boost. If you’ve been feeling down in the dumps about your looks or date-ability lately, this could resonate with you. A second video that could help with this is one we made called, “8 Tips to Boost Your Self Confidence.” Check it out!
Now, even if you do identify as having high self-esteem, this boost may be something that you’re searching for to reach the next level of personal satisfaction. Is it about them or is it more about you? Let me know in the comments!
4. Analyze whether this person is a challenge or a competition.
I’ve called this person “hard to get” a few times and that is automatically associated with a challenge. This number is definitely my area of expertise. I love a good challenge – and yes, I do group some guys in this category. What can I say, I like accomplishing things. Getting a promotion, beating a personal record, and getting a date with someone who is out of my league or not interested at first. The same could be said if this person isn’t attainable because they have their eye on someone else, AKA creating a little competition. In cases like this, the shiny prize is going to lose that luster the second you win, so be wary.
5. Identify your attachment style.
There are four attachment styles and two of them may make it more difficult to stop wanting someone you can’t have. If you are anxious or avoidant in your relationships, you may also be prone to desiring unavailable partners. Anxious individuals may find that the hard-to-get chase mirrors their internal battle about needing reassurance. The avoidant individual may feel safer because this distant person means they don’t need to get too deep emotionally. Think of it like you’re perpetuating a negative yet very deep-rooted cycle.
6. Know what you’re looking for in this person and find it elsewhere.
The final stone to unturn is reflecting on what you hope to get from this person. Sure, you want them, but why? It’s got to go further than looks. Most of us tend to project our own unmet needs or desires onto unattainable people. This is where a lot of affairs and cheating come from, but this can also happen when you have general unmet needs alone.
For example, imagine you had a fairly unstable childhood. You grew up in a chaotic environment and then, as an adult, you met Taylor – the seemingly perfect person who is successful and stable with a great career and life… as far as you know, anyway. You could develop intense feelings for Taylor even though they aren’t reciprocated because, underneath it all, you are just vying for the security and stability that you’ve always longed for. Instead of going for this person, your next step would be to start to fill these unmet needs on your own. Focusing on your career and finances would be a great first step for this, which would make you more independent and less likely to seek fulfillment from someone else.
Check out: How to find your soulmate
Conclusion:
You can stop wanting someone you can’t have by doing some deep self-reflection with these six psychological prompts. I suggest taking time to journal about each of them to really dig deep into your emotions. It will take work, but that work will unroot your emotions and turn your thinking from your heart to your brain. I know you can do it!