The friend zone is like a quarantine zone. You have been scanned and determined to have the friend flu. It isn’t deadly or anything, but you’re going to be put in a pen with all the other friends. Plus, you’ll never be allowed to exchange saliva or romance with the non-infected girl or boy who put you there. Can you bust out of the quarantine zone? Absolutely, but first, you’ll need to get over your friend-flu and catch the romance bug instead. Here’s how to bust out of the friend zone in ten steps.
1. Make your intentions clear.
Before you start planning your escape route, it’s time to look back and make sure you didn’t walk into the friend zone yourself. Often, we make the grave error of thinking other people can read our minds or think exactly like us, and that’s the opposite of the truth. When did you make it clear that you wanted to be more than friends? Can you pinpoint a time when a conversation was had? If not, you’re assuming that this person understands your cues and feelings without ever hearing them aloud. There are plenty of times when friends may flirt with each other without romantic intentions, so be sure you are clear about what you’re looking for so that your friend doesn’t face any surprises.
Check out: How to get out of friend zone, fast.
2. Find out what they want in a boyfriend or girlfriend.
Your next step is to learn more about what this person is looking for in a partner. Luckily, you’re already their friend so learning more about them should be as easy as pie. Find out the strengths they value in their partner, how they communicate, the values they hold, and the dealbreakers they’d never accept. Then, be honest with yourself. Do you hold some or any of these attributes? If not, do you even want to? Keep in mind that this person may share they don’t want a relationship with anyone at this time. No matter what they say, never force yourself into a box for someone else if it takes away from who you really are.
3. Put yourself first.
In the future, when you’re hopefully dating this person or someone else, you’re going to have to prioritize them. All good relationships include some form of sacrifice for your partner, and that’s alright. What isn’t alright is doing all of that self-sacrifice for someone who is friend-zoning you. Until it becomes legitimately romantic, you need to put yourself first. This means working on yourself, learning, growing, taking care of your physical health, and advancing professionally. If you are constantly working towards being the best version of yourself, your friend – and many others – are sure to notice!
4. Let them know how you’d be in a relationship.
While you will be prioritizing yourself above your friends on most occasions, it’s important to show this person what they’re missing by not dating you. Are you an attentive partner? Creative? Romantic? You’ve got to showcase your top qualities but – this is important – you’ve only got to showcase them in the short term. This means one event, moment, or day where you show what you’re capable of. Trust me, this will stick in your friend’s mind for months to come, and just once is enough so long as you show your truest and brightest attributes as a partner. After that, remember your role, and head back to the friend zone.
Check out: How to flirt with a guy.
5. Be spontaneous and adventurous.
If your friend is up for it, plan or spontaneously go on an adventure together. This could be trying out a cool activity, taking a random class together, hiking outside, or driving to visit a new town a few hours away. The key is to make a unique and, if possible, thrilling memory. When we feel adrenaline and excitement, dopamine is released in our minds to help us react to and remember the moment. This makes the people involved more exciting in our memories as well, which means this person will look back on the day – and on you – with fondness, excitement, and a smile.
If you can associate time spent together with adventure, this person is much more likely to want to spend more time with you. After all, do you prefer sitting in silence and watching a movie with someone or doing something that you’ll remember for a lifetime? I dare say you choose the latter.
6. Discuss the values you share.
The older you are, the more important this step is. Values are what make each of us unique and they play a huge role in determining who we date and for how long. Examples of values include integrity, compassion, selflessness, kindness, spirituality, and many more. Ideal partners should overlap in principle values because this means they share world views and opinions on serious subjects that could otherwise be dealbreakers. Find out which values you and this person share and highlight them in conversation. This will instantly make you much more relatable and dateable!
7. Flirt when appropriate.
You’re never going to get out of the friend quarantine zone if you shake hands and smile from 500 feet away. It’s time to flirt – only if this person is into it, that is. I’m not going to bore you with the basics of how to flirt since there are tons of videos about it on our page, but you can focus on teasing and physical contact like hugs or a hand on the back or arm when possible. The most important part of this isn’t how to flirt, but how to read the room afterward. You’ll want to make sure your friend doesn’t get uncomfortable, so gauge their reaction accordingly and make sure you choose appropriately.
8. Connect with their friends and family.
As this person’s friend, you’ll have close access to other people trapped in the friendship quarantine and, if you’re lucky, you may even get to meet the person’s direct family. These are your opportunities to shine and make great first, second, and third impressions. By getting on their inner circle’s good side, this person is sure to hear about how you’re so great time and time again. At the end of the day, we are social creatures who crave the approval of our social circles. If this circle would already give you the green light to date this person, you’re one step ahead of the competition.
9. Get advice from their friends.
Since you’ll already be living it up with their friends, take the time to try and get advice about your situation. If you can connect with this person’s best friend and have the confidence and trust to do so, ask them if you have any shot at getting out of the friend zone. Chances are this friend has already spoken to your crush about you and they know all the nitty-gritty details about why you’re friend-zoned, what your crush is looking for, and if there’s any chance you’ll get out. When you have this conversation, though, know that it is 100% going to get back to your crush, so tread lightly.
10. Get back into the dating scene.
If you’ve run through these steps and are still finding yourself stuck in the quarantined friend zone, it’s time for a different approach. You can’t sit around groveling and waiting for someone to love you, so start putting yourself out there and getting back into the dating scene. Hop on a few apps, go on a date or two, and then casually mention this to your crush. They are your “friend” by choice, after all. You’d be surprised how much more attractive you get when you’re no longer on the market.
Check out: What to do on a date (8 Tips)
Conclusion:
You don’t have to plan your escape from the friend zone kicking and screaming – it’s much easier to get out stealthily and with a plan. Not all plans have a happy ending, though, and some people are firm in their decision to friend zone. Don’t take it personally, but instead reflect on whether or not you want to be this person’s friend. There’s nothing wrong with creating boundaries and cutting things off if need be. At the end of the day, you should be with someone who wants to be with you just as much as you want to be with them.