We are seeing a lot of growth in the younger generations out here, and a lot of that has to do with healing things like generational and parental trauma. Growing up it’s difficult to realize when you’re in a toxic environment, especially if the toxicity is caused by one of the people who is supposed to be protecting you from bad things, AKA your mom. The older we get, the more some of us can reflect on our upbringings and come to terms with how our parents raised us, for better or for worse. Today we’re diving into the eight signs you were raised by a toxic mother and how you can start healing from the repercussions.
By the way, if you want to identify any other toxic people in your life, we have another video you can follow up with called “10 Things Toxic People Say.” Now, let’s get to it.
1. Your mother’s love was conditional.
A parent’s love is supposed to be one of the few forms of unconditional love in the world. This means they’re supposed to love you no matter what. Even when you screw up or hurt their feelings, the ideal parent will still be there for you with open arms. It doesn’t mean they don’t hurt or get angry. They may not always like you, but they’ll always love you. When you have a toxic mom in the midst, though, her love will be conditional instead. This means you may receive love and praise when you do things her way but be given the cold shoulder, yelled at, or even insulted if you do something on your own terms. If you’ve ever heard of classic conditioning, this is it in the flesh. This is when you combine an outside action – like your success – with a natural action you enjoy or want – like your mother showing affection or love. Eventually, your brain starts to mesh them in a way that you can’t have one without the other. Then, your mother also brings in some aversive conditioning, which is when your disobedient behavior starts to connect with her harshness or coldness. As a kid, it’s nearly impossible to realize how wrong this situation is, but as an adult, your mother will probably still act this way and it will be easier for you to pinpoint. A good way to counter this behavior is to reiterate to your mother that you love her no matter how she behaves. If she’s deeply toxic, this won’t mean much, so you may want to keep some aspects of your life to yourself – especially those that you know she’ll disapprove of. If you want to keep the peace, that is.
2. You were the parent in the relationship.
Parentification is when a child takes on adult responsibilities and provides emotional support for their parent. This happens when a mother is unavailable or incapable of fulfilling her role correctly, so her child steps up to the plate instead. If you experienced emotional parentification, your mother may have depended on you to be a listening ear, offer advice, or comfort her. If you experienced instrumental parentification, you may have been responsible for caring for your younger siblings, managing chores, or even handling finances for your mother. Finally, there is also narcissistic parentification, where a mother may expect her child to boost her ego, meet her emotional needs, or complete other tasks for her at the expense of her child’s well-being. Parentification often seeps into adulthood, and you’ll find yourself caring for your mother as she ages and remains dependent on you. Be sure to set firm boundaries and give her both lessons and responsibilities in the hopes she can still mature in her graying years.
Check out: How to earn respect from people
3. You experienced emotional or physical abuse.
Any form of emotional or physical abuse points to a toxic parent. A parent’s goal is to care for and raise their child in a safe environment, and this goes against that in every way possible. Emotional abuse as a child or as an adult includes insults, degradation, constant criticism and ridicule, gaslighting, emotional neglect or manipulation, isolation, social control, and even threats and intimidation. Physical abuse is a bit more obvious but could also be covered up under the excuse of corporal punishment for children. Many times, parents who stop the abuse later on will deny that it occurred or reframe it as an acceptable way of parenting. Some mothers may not have known better, but others were toxic and continue to be.
4. Your mother used guilt or fear to manipulate you.
If your mom told you Santa wouldn’t come if you behaved badly, this doesn’t count as manipulation. The line gets a little blurry on this one so you’ll have to use your discernment here. One popular example of using guilt to manipulate you as a child is when a mother plays the victim card or distorts events to try and get sympathy while the child feels responsible for her unhappiness. Common phrases you may hear are, “After everything I’ve done for you!” or “If you loved me, you would do ABC!” If she’s extremely toxic, she may go as far as to say your behavior will end up killing her when you do something she is against.
Unlike a toxic mom, I will only use love to connect with my people. Do you mind showing me some love back by liking this video? You know I appreciate it! Now, onto the next sign.
5. Your mother lacked boundaries.
A mother with no boundaries could be harmless or toxic, depending on how she behaves with no boundaries. Toxic signs include unpredictable behavior, like erratic outbursts that leave her children in a constant fight-or-flight mode of anxiety. She may also be aggressively in your business – like a helicopter parent – or more of a friend than she is a parent, like a mom one of my classmates had. I wasn’t friends with this person, but news traveled fast back in high school. This classmate would throw underage parties at her home, and guess who supplied the alcohol? Yep, her mother. Not only that, but her mom would also party with the underaged students. Everyone said it was “cool” until that same mom ended up flirting with that classmate’s older boyfriend at one party. A fiasco ensued and I am sure that their relationship remains uncontrollable to this day. No boundaries are a breeding ground for toxicity.
6. Your mother failed to provide you with your basic needs.
We don’t hear much about neglectful parents, but there sure are a lot of them out there. Someone close to me is very open about their childhood and he often recounts tales of walking to school on his own or burning himself on a hot stove trying to make macaroni and cheese – when he was five. Neglecting to provide basic needs to children like safety, shelter, food, clothes, and education is a form of an abusive environment. Unless your mother recognizes and apologies for this behavior later in life, it often continues into adulthood and manifests as a mother who is never present, worried, or involved.
7. Your mother undermined your accomplishments or sabotaged them.
Believe it or not, parents can be jealous of their very own children. A toxic mother may feel this way if she always plays the victim card or feels like her child is receiving many opportunities that she never did. This behavior would be exhibited by dismissive comments when you accomplish something, such as shrugging off an award, good grade, or promotion you received just because it’s “no big deal” or because “that’s the way it should be.” She may even go as far as to sabotage your successes by throwing unnecessary responsibilities your way or physically preventing you from succeeding, like if she stops taking you to that after-school activity you were doing so well in.
Check out: How to manipulate a narcissist
8. There were double standards between you and your siblings.
Before we get too far into this one, it’s important to acknowledge that a general double standard seems to exist more than not between sons and daughters. This depends heavily on family dynamics, culture, religion, and the parents themselves, so we aren’t speaking solely on this. Instead, I’m talking about apparent favoritism and excessive comparisons between siblings. Maybe your older brother or sister was always better than you at, well, everything, and your mother never ceases to talk about it. Or, to the contrary, maybe the baby of the family received all of the mother’s love and attention and you were left out in the cold to starve… hypothetically, of course.
Conclusion:
Growing up with a toxic mother often leaves an ugly mark. If four or more of these signs resonate with you, you may find yourself or your interpersonal relationships negatively affected by the way you were raised. The silver lining is that you are now a free-thinking adult who can put in the work to heal past wounds and improve for your own future family and relationships. I believe in you!