10 Signs You’re Becoming Toxic
With growing awareness of the multiple facets and aspects of relationships, both romantic and platonic, comes new terms with which we define ourselves and our relationships. Ultimately, any relationship, whether romantic or platonic, that is “toxic” is one that is unhealthy and stressful for any or all of the parties involved. Here are ten signs that in a relationship that has become strained, you are the source of some of the tension and unhealthy behaviors in the relationship’s dynamic.
1. You blame others for your own problems.
Refusing to take responsibility for an outcome, over and over again, can be a sign that you are a negative influence on others around you. Problems are never only one person’s fault, and are usually the result of contributions and actions of everyone involved, no matter how small. Take a moment to reflect if you catch yourself constantly refusing to apologize, or to own up to your own mistakes – are you truly, always, 100% of the time guilt free? Are you really just a constant victim of your environment and surroundings, and everything that happens to you really isn’t your fault? Even if you do have a negative environment, you have your own agency and can seek to change your circumstances. However, allowing yourself to remain in a situation that is less than optimal so you can always be the “victim” is a sure sign that you are not taking responsibility for your own life and actions.
2. You always are “right”.
Related to the previous point, seeing yourself as never in the wrong, or never mistaken, is another sign that you are becoming toxic for others to be around. Why would they want to have a discussion with someone who is only open to viewpoints that already agree with their own? Someone who cannot accept that they may be mistaken, or misinformed, or simply human with human flaws? Your ego is really the only thing ever at stake if you were to admit that you made a mistake, or were simply wrong in an argument. And if you cannot let go of your ego and pride long enough to concede to someone else, particularly someone close to you, that you were in the wrong, then this is a sign that you are not someone that people would want to be around. Why would they want to share something with you, if you are only going to shut them down and tell them your viewpoint is the only valid one?
3. You can’t let things go.
Constantly focusing on the negative aspects of your life is another sign that the stress and drama of your life may be coming from within, rather than without. Being hurt or disappointed is one thing, but the best thing to do is to take a deep breath, either resolve the issue or let it go, and continue moving forward in your life. Dwelling on an issue from time to time to reflect is one thing, but constantly bringing it back up and sulking over it is something entirely different. Pay attention to whether you are always focused on the negatives of your life, and find that you can’t allow yourself to move on from the past when everybody else around you have already done so. Being able to move past the things that have hurt you in the past is essential, and the people around you only have the mental and emotional stamina to support you to the same extent that you are willing to support yourself.
4. You feel the need to control everything.
Are you constantly nitpicking and trying to control everything around you, including and especially things that involve other people? By making yourself the center of attention and power, you are cutting others out of their chance to participate and have a say. Your need to be the only one in control and in power all the time can be exhausting for others to be around, and is an environment that ultimately, they will seek to avoid.
5. Your communication is lacking.
While poor communication by itself isn’t necessarily a red flag of being the toxic aspect in a relationship, either platonic or romantic, it certainly does not help. When poor communication is paired with the refusal to actively strive to improve, then it becomes just another aspect to be wary of. If you do not communicate effectively and calmly how you feel, or what you want from someone, and then become upset or angry when they don’t know what is going on in your mind, this is a pattern of toxicity. How is the other person supposed to read your mind? It is your job to tell them what you are feeling, it is not theirs to guess and try to please you preemptively.
6. You are dishonest with the other person.
Related to good and open communication, trust and trustworthiness are important factors in any relationship. If you are often dishonest with your friends, family, and loved ones, regardless of what you are dishonest about, how can they trust you in the long run? Compulsive fibbing or lying, even when you think it may be better or less hurtful than the truth, is ultimately a big negative factor in a relationship in the long run.
7. You are always measuring yourself up against others.
If you are plagued by envy and jealousy, and measure your success against the standard of others’, then it may be time to take a moment and reflect on your behavior and values. If anything you do is only worthwhile if it is “better” than what someone else is doing, and you are obsessed with how you measure up to or compare to others around you, then your mentality has become decidedly more shallow. Regardless of what other people are doing, do your own actions bring you joy? You are living your life, after all, and are your own person. Being consumed by having to measure up against other people around you is an unhealthy thing to focus on, and can drain the enjoyment out of many aspects of your life and that of those around you.
8. You neglect to take care of yourself.
This may not seem like toxic behavior, but it is a slippery slope. Neglecting to take care of yourself mentally and physically can take a huge toll on your body and mind. For example, being constantly dehydrated because you refuse to drink water is a problem that nobody can fix for you – your friends and family will worry about you when your body starts to become ill, but the responsibility of ensuring that that situation doesn’t come around in the first place is yours. When you neglect to take care of both your mental and physical wellbeing, the resulting state of unwellness places a strain and burden on those around you who then have to take up the mantle of caring for you, when in reality, you should have been caring for yourself from the beginning.
9. The relationship dynamic is unequal.
In either a friendship or a romantic relationship, the give and take should be more or less equal in the long run. Support and care is a two way street – if you are the one who is constantly needing support, validation, and care without offering any in return, this friendship or relationship has turned toxic for the other party. Be mindful that when your friends and loved ones support you, you should in turn support them when they need it.
10. Emotional manipulation is in play.
Emotional manipulation, such as guilt-tripping, is a huge sign that something in a relationship between two people is not right. Making someone feel bad about themselves, or guilty over a mistake they made, or unworthy of something in order to cajole them or push them in a direction that you find more favorable is a behavior that should be closely examined and reflected upon if you catch yourself doing it, especially if it occurs multiple times or often. If you dislike something or disagree with an outcome, compromises and solutions can be found and made. However, manipulating someone, particularly someone that you care about or who cares about you, is a sign that your personality and what you contribute to the relationship between you two is a negative strain on what should be a fun, loving, or positive dynamic.
At the end of the day, your actions or behaviors can greatly affect others around you. So, take some time and truly think about how you act with other people. If you do inhibit these signs, it’s not too late to change.